Monday, 30 March 2009

And as My Steps, Echo, Echo, Louder than Before

I don't know if people have noticed, but this funny thing called sunshine is making a concerted effort to shine at the moment.  This is good.  Despite erring towards the miserable side, and enjoying a good rainstorm, even I appreciate that the early spring sunshine makes everyone feel good.

The promise of summer, is quite possibly even better.  And you know what, it's going to be an ace summer!!  Home made burgers, Jim Beam Teriyaki Ribs, BBQ Baked Chicken Breasts, Ice cold beer (in Stubbies of course), Dawn Patrols, Sunset Sessions, Hot Tarmac and Tyres, Cloudspotting, Philosophy and Fun.  And thats just a few of the components!!

There are people around me helping to promote this.  Kirsty of course, is busy cajoling me to get in a summer spirit, and looking after all of my little instabilities in the process.  There are others though.  Nick, is coming back from his enforced relaxation, and coming back more sage and wise than ever before... I'm massively proud of him as he's taken a infuriating and painful situation, and is has used it to reassess what is important to him and is making conscious decisions to address and change the direction of his life, which many people can learn from.  

My sister has also been through a massive period of upheaval throughout the last few months, and is beginning to come up sunnier and happier than I've seen her in a while, whilst other friends have got the biggest change yet to come, mainly Chris' and Nat's impending parenthood being really close, and really quite exciting.

My one challenge for this summer, is getting up and out there, and working towards getting jobs done for fun.  My garden has taken shape in my head, and the time I've got off in the next few weeks will see this move from vision, to a complete garden, which will be enjoyed greatly.

So if you do one thing leading up to this summer, get up, get going, drag someone who needs a smile out with you.  Do something fun, do something different, or just spend the day being mates, chatting, bantering and enjoying the company.


Tuesday, 24 March 2009



Today is one of those days, I've got a lot of work going, which despite working through I still feel like I'm lagging behind, (IF any of my managers or colleagues are reading this... I FEEL like I'm lagging, This doesn't mean that I'm not working my socks off!)

On days like these it's imperative to find some musical accompaniment to drive the day along. Well it is for me anyway... rarely a day goes by when I don't make some use of headphones, which I'm sure the people around me are thankful for, as I do listen to some weird and wonderful things!

It's funny how certain songs can provoke feelings and thoughts which may lay dormant for long periods and yet, their opening bars are an instantanious mental trigger taking you back to another time. This is not entirely true of songs which you listened to at that particular time, but can also be produced by new songs...

One such artist that produces these thoughts deep inside me is a guy called Frank Turner. Ex vocalist of Million Dead turned Folk Genius/Hero, and thouroughly great songsmith.

His latest album is full of songs of Heartbreak, love, idealism and life and is going to be on repeat for most of the summer! If you haven't coma across him, Check Out the album, Love, Ire and Song.

One of the songs has a chorus line that everyone should try and hold true at least once a day. "I won't sit down, and I won't Shut Up, and Most of all I Won't Grow Up".

I liek the sounds of that!

Well, I'm Not Sitting Down, And I'm not Shutting Up, and there's not a hope in Hell I'll grow up anymore... even when I become a parent I won't behave in a different manner to how I do now!

My poor kids!!! hahahahahahah!

Anyways, I think i might've gone off thread and got a bit lost, but never mind!

Monday, 23 March 2009

Golden Age of my Negative Ways...


It's a been a little while since I've last blogged anything, mainly because I'm not always sure what to blog about. I've been reading some other awesome blogs recently, (which I follow), and the quality and passion of the writing makes me doubt my validity and ability to say anything worthwhile and sometimes anything at all.

I know this speaks volumes about my levels of self confidence and and trust in my ability to string together a coherent sentence, so maybe thats what I should address in these blurb filled nonsense bytes...

Anyone who knows me well, will probably agree that I can be a pain in the backside, frustrating and sometimes wholly deserving of a smack around the head... And they're right. I'm all of those things although not deliberately. I'm also aware of those things and I'm trying to do something about it.

Last week I went to my first serious session of CBT with an NHS Councillor. CBT, for people who don't know, is Cognative Behavioral Therapy. And It's used to try and change the thought processes in people who tend to spiral into a negative state of mind. The aim is to try and associate behavior that can trigger an incident, be it bursting into tears, losing ones rag, or just becoming insular and enclosed.

Several years ago, I was very poorly. I don't really need to go into anymore details, but I spent some time in hospital, a lot of time signed off sick and despite it seeming like it or not, I was quite close to the edge... My life had become rubbish, I wasn't going out much, I missed a few really big events in my friends lives which I could never really bring myself to explain properly, and generally falling apart. Lots of my family and friends kept telling how good I was at being strong, but to me, I wasn't.

Since then, I've never been quite right... There's been something lurking deep in my psyche which I couldn't identify and this has caused a few issues, which although I've vaguely acknowledged in the past, I've never really looked at addressing. I can't explain why. Perhaps I had a fear of finding out I was far more screwed up than I thought, or perhaps I was worried that people would accuse me of faking, or just being a wuss.

Recently a string of small events has convinced me to face up to these issues and to try and get it sorted. This has lead me to the few revelations below:

I don't like the word depression. It's become a stereotype for people with stressful lives to be signed off with depression. It sounds so vague and always like a bit of a cop out. Unfortunately the english language has yet to define an all encompassing word to describe how one can a malaise of the soul and not be sure why, so, depression it is. I suffer from Depression, and I do regularly have bouts where I become miserable, depressed and grumpy for no real reason.

There I've said it.

I am taking anti-depressants to help me whilst I'm undergoing therapy. I've found it difficult to tell people this, and it's been quite liberating when I have told people. When I told my Mum I was worried who she'd react, I thought I'd failed her by not being happy and healthy. And of course she only only showed concern and love for me! I now know that taking anti-depressants isn't bad, or wrong and doesn't make me crazy and close to going loopy, and then turning green and preceding to yell HULK SMASH whilst flipping tanks and things into the air.

Thats another thing I haven't said, and now have.

I think I'll leave it there for today. I'll follow up how things are going... Also I'd be interested to see if anyone has a comment about any of the things i've addressed above, so please post up comments here.